If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
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You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
#SCOTUS one-star review
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.