“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
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Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Inside you there are two wolves
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!