I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
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Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
How do dragons blow out candles?
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.