“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
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‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”