Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
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Well, that didn’t work.
Merica.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”