it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
You Might Also Like
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead