Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
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Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I think this should do it.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES