landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
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Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
is this how new cars are made??
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time