Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
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Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Beauty and the Beast
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
a fate I wish upon no one
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.