My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
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can’t catch a break
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
The first one, obviously
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.