For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
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*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Feels
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
🤣🤣🤣
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
“TGIM!” – My liver
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”