those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
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No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.