[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
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Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I feel it
😩😩😩
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”