Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
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my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I drew y’all a little something.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?