If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
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Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.