My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
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hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Body by Oreos
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.