[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
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I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”