Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
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*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*