8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
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Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Finally, an instrument I can play!
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants