Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
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How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
become ungovernable
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
drew a comic about my origin story
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument