Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
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*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first