*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
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My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
ok this is my dumbest yet
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Favourite diary entry ever
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Whoa 😂
Nothing.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.