My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
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1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Okay, I’m still confused…
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Blew out my flip flop…
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.