*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
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[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.