You Might Also Like
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
DOOO EEEET
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Is this you?
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha