8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
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three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.