Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
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Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I’m giving up for Lent.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh