if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
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a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides