“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
You Might Also Like
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Good news
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!