I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
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The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.