If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
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What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.