Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
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I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
good for her
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!