I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
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Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.