“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
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Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*