Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
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Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?