Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
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When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
🏙👨🏼
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.