Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
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Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Meow
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
When news reporters do sports stories
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.