My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
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Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
OH. COME. ON.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.