I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
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[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?