‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
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My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Pickled cat.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”