I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
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Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.