*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
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Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.