I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
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Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.