Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
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Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me