Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
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half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys