*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
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I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Breaking news:
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
The struggle is real.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes