People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
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We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….