I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
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If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.