[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
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My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.