Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
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If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Breaking news:
✌️
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”